I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
