Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
