Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
