god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
