I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
