Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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