You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
