I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
