I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
