i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
