my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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