On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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