Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
