Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
