I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
My feet surprised me
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