Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
