Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
