Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
