I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
