Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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