I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
