I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
