Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
