i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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