she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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