Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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