Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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