My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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