Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
