why didn't you poke me back
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
