I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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