Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
