Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's shark week go big or go home
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
