Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
