I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
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