Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
