apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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