I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
