At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
