i think my tv is drunk
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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