hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
