I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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