life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
