it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
