i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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