I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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