Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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