not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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