I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
