i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We just shotgunned beers for America
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
