Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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