We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
